Little Miss Splendid's Best Friend.

Let me tell you a little something about my best friend Amy. We'll refer to her as A. For the longest time, I refrained from calling her my best friend and you'll soon enough know why. She was always just a 'friend', 'one of my closest friends', 'co-worker', or 'Amy, the girl I'm attached to by the hip'. Infamous A.

You see, I've cycled through best friends and lovers, commitments and flings like a good load of laundry. Some I've dumped and some I've been dumped and all due to this scary little pest we'll call 'attachment' aka 'dependence'. You know what they say - marriage is the death to any relationship no matter how passionate. I guess deep down, I was afraid to call her my best friend even though she was because I'd grow attached and with attachments comes commitment problems. With categorization comes obligations. Things that best friends are supposed to do together or for each other. And getting mad for no reason. And expectations. Because you see, it was also never like that between us. Which is probably why we were able to become so close. If you were to compare it to a romantic relationship, it'd be like being in a completely open and non-exclusive one. Free to take on other best friends and knowing that there are indeed other friends without the whole jealousy and 'we're not spending enough time together' crap. We hang out whenever we feel like it and we don't necessarily always have to do anything - which is probably why we keep running around in circles.

I've also never called her my best friend because - well because I was scared that if I grew too dependent, that I'd chase the friendship away. That I'd start having ideal expectations and realize that maybe she isn't my best friend when she didn't live up to them. Of course, no friends should hold any of these expectations. But like any other relationship, the feelings come with the territory. I knew that we wouldn't always have each other to lean on and one day, we'd go our separate ways. So why even play the whole categorization game? She can stay as long as she wants in the 'friend' slot and leave whenever she feels like it, no explanation required. And by then, I talked about her so much that everyone just knew who this 'Amy' person was even though they've never met her.

But in actuality, she IS my best friend. She's become the best friend of best friends. No one can say how long this friendship will last. No one can say how long any relationship will last. But I guess I'm ready to invest in this one...and I think I have for the longest time and was just afraid to acknowledge it, comforting myself by thinking that if I don't acknowledge her importance, I wouldn't feel the weight of devastation if this friendship ever came to an end.

I think being away from her has put our friendship to the test and realizing that things never changed even though we're both pursuing different paths. We both wish we could have each other to share our journeys with. But I know that deep down, we're even more proud of the fact that with our lives apart our friendship still stands strong. And that my friend, is the exact ingredient that continually feeds this bond - knowing that it's strong enough to withstand distance and time.

And that's the story of my best friend Amy.

This was written about a year ago and the friendship continues to thrive to this day, stronger with each passing day - together or not. See you soon - let us discover what this Winter Wonderland is all about.

TW and All Its Departing Goodness

Seventeen months ago I would not have been able to tell you that I left because I was, in actuality, running from a situation that I had no solution to. That I had surrendered to a greater cause but in the same sense, a more cowardly action. I forced myself forward because I didn't know how to heal in the midst of a heartbroken battlefield. When your friends feel like strangers you had to answer to and homesickness washes over you within your home, you question everything that was once something you had control over. Seventeen months ago, I submerged myself into a journey of solitude because I felt I deserved it. That I needed to learn independence, that perhaps I needed to develop a thicker skin. That I needed to hit the reset button because I wanted to abandon that accumulation of bitter resentment and have faith in the good of people again. I was sinking fast and deep so I swam for rock bottom at top speed, in hopes that the sooner I touched it the sooner I can come back up.

And come back up I did. I've recently stumbled upon a soul that reminded me that there will always be something and someone greater than the last. The grass will always seem greener on the other side. For some of us, we will always chase it to no end. For others, we'll choose to give up on it - in a good way, because we've found our happy place where we have what we feel is enough. Even now, I can't say that I've found a solution to that situation that I have ran from. But I can honestly say that I am no longer haunted by it. I have let go of a place that I knew I had never wanted to be (thank you stubborn self).

Today, I feel I am once again forcing myself forward so I can embrace the wonderful effects of life in its full circle. To be strong, to be independent, to not be needy because of the dark places that it has left me in. But if you asked me today, I would want to stay. I'm tired of running, of being scared, of confrontation, of the uncertainty, of this...evanescence. I know we have to be strong and go our own way. But if you asked me today, I'd tell you that home has always been where the heart is. And if time played a role in matters of the heart, I'd tell you that it is anchored approximately 54 minutes from here and the further I swim, the more it hurts.

Some things just never change. In the end, you just gotta know that you too deserve it and nothing less.