TW and All Its Departing Goodness

Seventeen months ago I would not have been able to tell you that I left because I was, in actuality, running from a situation that I had no solution to. That I had surrendered to a greater cause but in the same sense, a more cowardly action. I forced myself forward because I didn't know how to heal in the midst of a heartbroken battlefield. When your friends feel like strangers you had to answer to and homesickness washes over you within your home, you question everything that was once something you had control over. Seventeen months ago, I submerged myself into a journey of solitude because I felt I deserved it. That I needed to learn independence, that perhaps I needed to develop a thicker skin. That I needed to hit the reset button because I wanted to abandon that accumulation of bitter resentment and have faith in the good of people again. I was sinking fast and deep so I swam for rock bottom at top speed, in hopes that the sooner I touched it the sooner I can come back up.

And come back up I did. I've recently stumbled upon a soul that reminded me that there will always be something and someone greater than the last. The grass will always seem greener on the other side. For some of us, we will always chase it to no end. For others, we'll choose to give up on it - in a good way, because we've found our happy place where we have what we feel is enough. Even now, I can't say that I've found a solution to that situation that I have ran from. But I can honestly say that I am no longer haunted by it. I have let go of a place that I knew I had never wanted to be (thank you stubborn self).

Today, I feel I am once again forcing myself forward so I can embrace the wonderful effects of life in its full circle. To be strong, to be independent, to not be needy because of the dark places that it has left me in. But if you asked me today, I would want to stay. I'm tired of running, of being scared, of confrontation, of the uncertainty, of this...evanescence. I know we have to be strong and go our own way. But if you asked me today, I'd tell you that home has always been where the heart is. And if time played a role in matters of the heart, I'd tell you that it is anchored approximately 54 minutes from here and the further I swim, the more it hurts.

Some things just never change. In the end, you just gotta know that you too deserve it and nothing less.