Somewhere back there.

it's been a while since i've written with intention. i tried to write during my trip but the words were as empty as your presence. sometimes i'm grateful my pen has not touched those pages, sometimes i wonder what's different. it's nice to walk away from self indulging pity and misery every now and then to smell the flowers long enough to learn their names. but i guess, one can never escape who they really are and what makes them bother to notice that flower in the first place. there's a time continuum surrounding me, that 'lost' feeling. it makes me miss being stable, droning into that boring monotony that some call life. that i myself had once called life. and now, this vast flotation of purgatory has become my present. i know i can escape it if i wanted to, if i wanted it bad enough. but how long would i want it bad enough before the next thing that comes along to fight for my attention? how deluded am i to crave immortality only to satiate that one desire to know who i was made for? i live in a fantasy world where i am my own story's main character and tragedy is my one true love. i will surrender in mercy if it means i can squeeze out another extreme version of the pain and emotional suffering that i have already inevitably allowed myself.

i miss you. i wish we could stop just reliving our memories, however great they were and however endlessly i may be reliving them. i wish we could live. again. and as much as i know how we both want to walk down a similar path together again, i have to force myself to accept a yet accepted truth that we are each our own now. i know that if i come back and we start doing things together, that things will naturally fall into place again. but i cannot guarantee that any more than i can convince myself that vampires don't really exist. you and my family are the only ppl i would cross oceans and back for, and i would hate to put that kind of pressure on you. i know that you understand what i mean. listen to me. this is me, without guards, without some phony facade, it's me. and i miss being me with someone. and i miss being your outlet. so where do we stand now? what do we do?

i don't know when i'll see you again, when our paths will fall into place again like it once had so perfectly. but i hope that it does.