Same Same.

In two years, I learned all these lessons but the most important lesson is one that I missed and refused to acknowledge. Listening to my heart. It really does know best. Your heart pumps blood to your brain, not the other way around. So why do we listen to our brains, trying to make sense of what doesn't and that making sense really...really doesn't matter? We may have been in places of pain because we did listen to our hearts. But in exchange of that pain, there's forgiveness; there's a chance for healing; there's a possibility to move forward. The pain is excruciating, sure. But don't concentrate on the pain. Concentrate on the lightness of being honest with yourself and that for once, you followed your heart and you said, "Yes, I feel your beat." Hang on, because the best is yet to come. Isn't that what we spend our whole lives convincing ourselves to believe anyway? Believe on my friends, believe on.

Somewhere back there.

it's been a while since i've written with intention. i tried to write during my trip but the words were as empty as your presence. sometimes i'm grateful my pen has not touched those pages, sometimes i wonder what's different. it's nice to walk away from self indulging pity and misery every now and then to smell the flowers long enough to learn their names. but i guess, one can never escape who they really are and what makes them bother to notice that flower in the first place. there's a time continuum surrounding me, that 'lost' feeling. it makes me miss being stable, droning into that boring monotony that some call life. that i myself had once called life. and now, this vast flotation of purgatory has become my present. i know i can escape it if i wanted to, if i wanted it bad enough. but how long would i want it bad enough before the next thing that comes along to fight for my attention? how deluded am i to crave immortality only to satiate that one desire to know who i was made for? i live in a fantasy world where i am my own story's main character and tragedy is my one true love. i will surrender in mercy if it means i can squeeze out another extreme version of the pain and emotional suffering that i have already inevitably allowed myself.

i miss you. i wish we could stop just reliving our memories, however great they were and however endlessly i may be reliving them. i wish we could live. again. and as much as i know how we both want to walk down a similar path together again, i have to force myself to accept a yet accepted truth that we are each our own now. i know that if i come back and we start doing things together, that things will naturally fall into place again. but i cannot guarantee that any more than i can convince myself that vampires don't really exist. you and my family are the only ppl i would cross oceans and back for, and i would hate to put that kind of pressure on you. i know that you understand what i mean. listen to me. this is me, without guards, without some phony facade, it's me. and i miss being me with someone. and i miss being your outlet. so where do we stand now? what do we do?

i don't know when i'll see you again, when our paths will fall into place again like it once had so perfectly. but i hope that it does.

Moving On.

"You have to be 100% yourself before you can be someone's other half." -- BM

Alter Ego.

I wish I had the courage to walk away
I wish I had the courage to stay
I wish I had the patience for this indefinite wait
To know that eventually, the love will replace the hate.
I wish you had the strength to love again
I wish you had the strength to stay away
I wish you had the patience for this kind of romance
And know that eventually our love might stand a chance.

Quiet Hope.

When I'm tempted to kiss someone else
I will put those kisses in my pocket.
When my pocket overflows, I will store them in a box
And hug it with a pretty red ribbon.
When I'm lost and feeling lonely,
I'll know that my heart knows that it's you it misses.
When I'm thinking too much
I will put my pen to a piece of paper
To write my romance into a love letter
And seal it with hope and faith, for you.
I will work on my achievements and save them in a bank
So we can use it to build our home.
I will learn how to trust myself and break down these walls
So you can trust what you see when you see only me.
And when you tire from your search and what you have always been searching for,
You will find your present and not your past
You will find that my kisses, my hugs, my faith and my love
Were made and saved for none other than you.
And when you find me, I'll know that I have found you.

Pacing the Edge.

An excerpt from The Zahir written by Paulo Coelho...

"A lovely hotel awaited me on the other side of the river, with its luxurious rooms its attentive employees, its five-star service. And that only made me feel worse, because I should have felt contented, satisfied with all I had achieved.
On the way back, I passed other people in the same situation and noticed that they fell into two categories: those who looked arrogant, because they wanted to pretend they had chosen to be alone that night, and those who looked sad and ashamed of their solitary state.
I'm telling you all this because the other day I remembered being in a hotel room in Amsterdam with a woman who was talking to me about her life. I'm telling you all this because, although in Ecclesiastes it says there is a time to rend and a time to sew, sometimes the time to rend leaves deep scars. Being with someone else and making that person feel as if they were of no importance in our life is far worse than feeling alone and miserable in the streets of Geneva."

That idiotic something.

"They say you can't turn a bad girl good but once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever." Jay-Z.

"It sobers you up if you're drunk," he says.
Her presence throbs to my corner right.
"Sure, why not," I said.
Am I really doing this? One more glance.
Laughing, camera flashes, one shot has never felt so long.
"Alright but we gotta do it in the bathroom," he says.
I'm secretly begging now, please come back to me.
I walk over, I ask to have a drink, he checks his phone.
"Let's go," I said, "But just a little, I've never done it before."
"We can just do one line. I'm sorry, I'm fucked up right now,
are you sure you want to?" he asks.
"Yeah." By now, I've stopped any train of thought.
I didn't want to acknowledge what was going on.
I feel the questions, the doubt, the shame, the hurt -
Just trying to touch me. Trying to stop this rising wall.
The bathroom line is too long, it wasn't worth the wait.
Another bullet dodged.
Breathe. Be patient. Be classy. Just...take it.
Dance it off, block out the world, have fun.
Let the poison wash over you and give into it
That's your only comfort now.
That and the girl in pink who barely knows you,
But dances with you nonetheless,
Getting your 6's and 7's -
Everything he should've been doing, but isn't.
Another lifetime goes by, and I think I'm taking that leap of faith.
I see him smiling my way, walking towards me.
I see a hand on his shoulder, a whisper in his ear.
And just like that, the road forks into two.
We're always advised to take the path less trodden,
But he's always been a rebel.
How a simple touch can remind oneself that our safety net remains,
So fall back into it because "We're Safe."
A string from my heart to your feet
Watching you walk away,
My heartbeat sync'ed.
I'm secretly begging again.
But this time, offer me that line and I promise I will cross it.

So I ask myself today:
How did I end up being here? Again.
I traveled to the edges of this bubble
To release the bitter and have faith in the good.
You can ask for it, demand it,
But it's a promise you can only make to yourself.
And if the respect isn't there
Then something has to change
Someone has to go
A decision has to be made.
And I choose to respect myself.