For mine, for he asked me to be His.

Listen. I met someone. He makes me want to run from this life right into the next. He makes me laugh. He makes me want to write endlessly about this invisible connection, this universal understanding. He makes me want to read. If I read enough, maybe I can read his mind. He makes me forget all that hurts because he hurts so much more - chasing the path of bliss in its full circle. He speaks to me in every song, as if he had personally hand picked each one for my ears only. He comes to me at night and traces over my skin in a way that shadows my own, because he knows me well. But he never stays, always gone before first light. And that first waking breath will always, always smell of him. As if he never left. As if being half way around the world can't stop me from missing him.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Wrong Answer.

I eye the door, anticipate the walk, release my last breath of courage before I turn the knob. I look into his face, searching, pleading that he might understand what I'm asking of him. But he has it so well guarded that the only way in was out that door. I hesitate, not wanting to walk away. For I know the second I walk out that door, I will never look back. I'll always wonder about that last facial expression...but wonder is all it will ever be. He won't ask me to stay, but he won't let go of my hand. I ask him one last question. He gives me one last answer and I could feel the scar run through my veins; the same veins that once loved him as much as the love it carried. Wrong answer, says my heart.

Lovesick.

Sick with a love that is as uncertain as the future and the sea of time that sits between us. For a boy who will come home when he is ready to a girl with who will chase the edges of the world to show him that she always has been.

If the world fell apart into a trillion little pieces today
I'd tell you that I'm glad things are finally falling into place.
That this conscious awareness of patience
Has been, all along, patiently waiting
To catch up to us from our past lives.
When we can wake up to each other one day
And see the new in all that has gone dull.

Little Miss Splendid's Best Friend.

Let me tell you a little something about my best friend Amy. We'll refer to her as A. For the longest time, I refrained from calling her my best friend and you'll soon enough know why. She was always just a 'friend', 'one of my closest friends', 'co-worker', or 'Amy, the girl I'm attached to by the hip'. Infamous A.

You see, I've cycled through best friends and lovers, commitments and flings like a good load of laundry. Some I've dumped and some I've been dumped and all due to this scary little pest we'll call 'attachment' aka 'dependence'. You know what they say - marriage is the death to any relationship no matter how passionate. I guess deep down, I was afraid to call her my best friend even though she was because I'd grow attached and with attachments comes commitment problems. With categorization comes obligations. Things that best friends are supposed to do together or for each other. And getting mad for no reason. And expectations. Because you see, it was also never like that between us. Which is probably why we were able to become so close. If you were to compare it to a romantic relationship, it'd be like being in a completely open and non-exclusive one. Free to take on other best friends and knowing that there are indeed other friends without the whole jealousy and 'we're not spending enough time together' crap. We hang out whenever we feel like it and we don't necessarily always have to do anything - which is probably why we keep running around in circles.

I've also never called her my best friend because - well because I was scared that if I grew too dependent, that I'd chase the friendship away. That I'd start having ideal expectations and realize that maybe she isn't my best friend when she didn't live up to them. Of course, no friends should hold any of these expectations. But like any other relationship, the feelings come with the territory. I knew that we wouldn't always have each other to lean on and one day, we'd go our separate ways. So why even play the whole categorization game? She can stay as long as she wants in the 'friend' slot and leave whenever she feels like it, no explanation required. And by then, I talked about her so much that everyone just knew who this 'Amy' person was even though they've never met her.

But in actuality, she IS my best friend. She's become the best friend of best friends. No one can say how long this friendship will last. No one can say how long any relationship will last. But I guess I'm ready to invest in this one...and I think I have for the longest time and was just afraid to acknowledge it, comforting myself by thinking that if I don't acknowledge her importance, I wouldn't feel the weight of devastation if this friendship ever came to an end.

I think being away from her has put our friendship to the test and realizing that things never changed even though we're both pursuing different paths. We both wish we could have each other to share our journeys with. But I know that deep down, we're even more proud of the fact that with our lives apart our friendship still stands strong. And that my friend, is the exact ingredient that continually feeds this bond - knowing that it's strong enough to withstand distance and time.

And that's the story of my best friend Amy.

This was written about a year ago and the friendship continues to thrive to this day, stronger with each passing day - together or not. See you soon - let us discover what this Winter Wonderland is all about.

TW and All Its Departing Goodness

Seventeen months ago I would not have been able to tell you that I left because I was, in actuality, running from a situation that I had no solution to. That I had surrendered to a greater cause but in the same sense, a more cowardly action. I forced myself forward because I didn't know how to heal in the midst of a heartbroken battlefield. When your friends feel like strangers you had to answer to and homesickness washes over you within your home, you question everything that was once something you had control over. Seventeen months ago, I submerged myself into a journey of solitude because I felt I deserved it. That I needed to learn independence, that perhaps I needed to develop a thicker skin. That I needed to hit the reset button because I wanted to abandon that accumulation of bitter resentment and have faith in the good of people again. I was sinking fast and deep so I swam for rock bottom at top speed, in hopes that the sooner I touched it the sooner I can come back up.

And come back up I did. I've recently stumbled upon a soul that reminded me that there will always be something and someone greater than the last. The grass will always seem greener on the other side. For some of us, we will always chase it to no end. For others, we'll choose to give up on it - in a good way, because we've found our happy place where we have what we feel is enough. Even now, I can't say that I've found a solution to that situation that I have ran from. But I can honestly say that I am no longer haunted by it. I have let go of a place that I knew I had never wanted to be (thank you stubborn self).

Today, I feel I am once again forcing myself forward so I can embrace the wonderful effects of life in its full circle. To be strong, to be independent, to not be needy because of the dark places that it has left me in. But if you asked me today, I would want to stay. I'm tired of running, of being scared, of confrontation, of the uncertainty, of this...evanescence. I know we have to be strong and go our own way. But if you asked me today, I'd tell you that home has always been where the heart is. And if time played a role in matters of the heart, I'd tell you that it is anchored approximately 54 minutes from here and the further I swim, the more it hurts.

Some things just never change. In the end, you just gotta know that you too deserve it and nothing less.

Blog, what blog?

Delayed update - I know. I've been busy doing...stuff. But here's a giggle:

(After 5 minutes of complete jibberish and wonking around with my first class of the day...)

Me: Hey. Do you guys think I'm crazy?
(A couple of smiles, some pretend straight faces)
Me: Seriously, do you think Teacher is crazy?
Charles: (bravely) Mmm. Like 50/50.
Me: Ok. That's not so bad.
Charles: Wait. Maybe like 70/30.
Me: You mean 70% crazy and 30% normal?
Charles: No. 70% crazy and 30% stupid.

Thanks Charles. I needed that.


And some photo updates for your viewing pleasure as always. First and foremost - first time KTV'ing in Taiwan (aka karaoke).

Me, Danni, & Scott. I never fail to look like the idiot.

Some Taiwanese ppl. It's only natural to have them in there too.

There I go again. Every. single. time.

Yay!

Then it was off to shoot some infomercial the next day - completely hungover and reeking of alcohol with about 4 hours of sleep sans shower, any form of teeth brushing or mouth rinsing, same clothes and underwear. I mean, I DID change for the shoot and took a quick Mexican shower but the nappy hair and bad breath - wonk wonk.

Suffocating in my own filth while she cakes on the white makeup.

And we're rolling...

...At least he had a comfy bed to almost pass out on. To save himself from boredom, he tried to inconspicuously take pics of the crew's asses...

...yet rather unsuccessfully.

By now, I am completely dehydrated and melting under the lights. And dying to scratch my crotch. Ha! Don't act like you don't get those moments, you dirty bastard.

The other girls.

...And a shot from the final product. Yes, that happens to be the latest vibrator in town. Super industrial to withstand long lasting usage with phenomenal battery life. For rated G purposes, I will not disclose the actual infomercial link.

And then some weekends afterwards, we thought to go for a cheap bicycle ride along the river. The breeze was mighty splendid.

And I think my camel toe caught some of that breeze too. :) Don't pretend like that wasn't the first thing you noticed.

The view. If you look closely, Taipei 101 is there. Swear it.

Our super cheap rental bikes - Pinky and Tin Man - $0.50 - $1.50 per hour.

And finally, an ugly looking bridge colored in orange and purple. Talk about lack of color coordination.

And so sums up some of the things I've been up to. Minus all the limitless drinking - but I figure you've been getting enough of that so I'll spare you this time around. But I can guarantee you - we have NOT been lazy in that department.

Super excited about upcoming travels - looking at Cambodia and Laos during Thanksgiving so holla back if you're interested. But for a more immediate taste of gratification - 'Breaking Dawn' will be arriving in my mailbox soon (thanks Jack), the ongoing sequel to a popular vampire fiction. So I dig sexy vampires, bite me.

A typical night