Somewhere back there.

it's been a while since i've written with intention. i tried to write during my trip but the words were as empty as your presence. sometimes i'm grateful my pen has not touched those pages, sometimes i wonder what's different. it's nice to walk away from self indulging pity and misery every now and then to smell the flowers long enough to learn their names. but i guess, one can never escape who they really are and what makes them bother to notice that flower in the first place. there's a time continuum surrounding me, that 'lost' feeling. it makes me miss being stable, droning into that boring monotony that some call life. that i myself had once called life. and now, this vast flotation of purgatory has become my present. i know i can escape it if i wanted to, if i wanted it bad enough. but how long would i want it bad enough before the next thing that comes along to fight for my attention? how deluded am i to crave immortality only to satiate that one desire to know who i was made for? i live in a fantasy world where i am my own story's main character and tragedy is my one true love. i will surrender in mercy if it means i can squeeze out another extreme version of the pain and emotional suffering that i have already inevitably allowed myself.

i miss you. i wish we could stop just reliving our memories, however great they were and however endlessly i may be reliving them. i wish we could live. again. and as much as i know how we both want to walk down a similar path together again, i have to force myself to accept a yet accepted truth that we are each our own now. i know that if i come back and we start doing things together, that things will naturally fall into place again. but i cannot guarantee that any more than i can convince myself that vampires don't really exist. you and my family are the only ppl i would cross oceans and back for, and i would hate to put that kind of pressure on you. i know that you understand what i mean. listen to me. this is me, without guards, without some phony facade, it's me. and i miss being me with someone. and i miss being your outlet. so where do we stand now? what do we do?

i don't know when i'll see you again, when our paths will fall into place again like it once had so perfectly. but i hope that it does.

Moving On.

"You have to be 100% yourself before you can be someone's other half." -- BM

Alter Ego.

I wish I had the courage to walk away
I wish I had the courage to stay
I wish I had the patience for this indefinite wait
To know that eventually, the love will replace the hate.
I wish you had the strength to love again
I wish you had the strength to stay away
I wish you had the patience for this kind of romance
And know that eventually our love might stand a chance.

Quiet Hope.

When I'm tempted to kiss someone else
I will put those kisses in my pocket.
When my pocket overflows, I will store them in a box
And hug it with a pretty red ribbon.
When I'm lost and feeling lonely,
I'll know that my heart knows that it's you it misses.
When I'm thinking too much
I will put my pen to a piece of paper
To write my romance into a love letter
And seal it with hope and faith, for you.
I will work on my achievements and save them in a bank
So we can use it to build our home.
I will learn how to trust myself and break down these walls
So you can trust what you see when you see only me.
And when you tire from your search and what you have always been searching for,
You will find your present and not your past
You will find that my kisses, my hugs, my faith and my love
Were made and saved for none other than you.
And when you find me, I'll know that I have found you.

Pacing the Edge.

An excerpt from The Zahir written by Paulo Coelho...

"A lovely hotel awaited me on the other side of the river, with its luxurious rooms its attentive employees, its five-star service. And that only made me feel worse, because I should have felt contented, satisfied with all I had achieved.
On the way back, I passed other people in the same situation and noticed that they fell into two categories: those who looked arrogant, because they wanted to pretend they had chosen to be alone that night, and those who looked sad and ashamed of their solitary state.
I'm telling you all this because the other day I remembered being in a hotel room in Amsterdam with a woman who was talking to me about her life. I'm telling you all this because, although in Ecclesiastes it says there is a time to rend and a time to sew, sometimes the time to rend leaves deep scars. Being with someone else and making that person feel as if they were of no importance in our life is far worse than feeling alone and miserable in the streets of Geneva."

That idiotic something.

"They say you can't turn a bad girl good but once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever." Jay-Z.

"It sobers you up if you're drunk," he says.
Her presence throbs to my corner right.
"Sure, why not," I said.
Am I really doing this? One more glance.
Laughing, camera flashes, one shot has never felt so long.
"Alright but we gotta do it in the bathroom," he says.
I'm secretly begging now, please come back to me.
I walk over, I ask to have a drink, he checks his phone.
"Let's go," I said, "But just a little, I've never done it before."
"We can just do one line. I'm sorry, I'm fucked up right now,
are you sure you want to?" he asks.
"Yeah." By now, I've stopped any train of thought.
I didn't want to acknowledge what was going on.
I feel the questions, the doubt, the shame, the hurt -
Just trying to touch me. Trying to stop this rising wall.
The bathroom line is too long, it wasn't worth the wait.
Another bullet dodged.
Breathe. Be patient. Be classy. Just...take it.
Dance it off, block out the world, have fun.
Let the poison wash over you and give into it
That's your only comfort now.
That and the girl in pink who barely knows you,
But dances with you nonetheless,
Getting your 6's and 7's -
Everything he should've been doing, but isn't.
Another lifetime goes by, and I think I'm taking that leap of faith.
I see him smiling my way, walking towards me.
I see a hand on his shoulder, a whisper in his ear.
And just like that, the road forks into two.
We're always advised to take the path less trodden,
But he's always been a rebel.
How a simple touch can remind oneself that our safety net remains,
So fall back into it because "We're Safe."
A string from my heart to your feet
Watching you walk away,
My heartbeat sync'ed.
I'm secretly begging again.
But this time, offer me that line and I promise I will cross it.

So I ask myself today:
How did I end up being here? Again.
I traveled to the edges of this bubble
To release the bitter and have faith in the good.
You can ask for it, demand it,
But it's a promise you can only make to yourself.
And if the respect isn't there
Then something has to change
Someone has to go
A decision has to be made.
And I choose to respect myself.

Like lions we...wish to soar.

I couldn't help but notice...

The murky glass ceiling that prevents us from seeing the stars that aren't there,

The leaves on that tree growing indoors, how it changes with the seasons.

The cockroach amidst the oranges, heading for me and my solo,

The waiter, who's only as good as the manager if he's gay.

Those eyes like drawn out dragonflies, and a heartbeat translucent as its wings

Comes a still frame, with the contours of a blond chardonnay

So dry I tasted the kiss of unkissed lips,

A night without socks is a night without bowling,

A night with a guest list is the one night we decide to go nameless.

Love comes and lovers go,

Good times stay and heartbreaks follow.
Pride won't let us look back
But we're too proud to move forward, too proud to let go,
Just terrified of the fear that makes us vulnerable.

And sometimes...I just can't help but notice why that is.

Enough.

From the The Mexican...

Samantha: I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Jerry: Never.

I remember when I first heard that quote and thought "They just described what love should always be like in a nutshell." But when you become the leading role to your own play, things never cease to be easier said than done.

I once couldn't figure out how to live with a thorn in my side so I ran. I ran away so that I wouldn't have to. But I'm tired of running because in the end I realized that I was just that - tired.

I'm saying this today because I'm hoping that if I give it enough time, that time will do me justice. That I am once again confronted with a dead end, with no solution in sight because I can't help feeling the way that I do and that I'm tired of trying to figure out why I feel this way.

We will keep talking about it, but nothing will ever change. When I realize that nothing changes, I will stop talking because I will feel like I am not being heard. But I will continue to try, to try and confront you because I am still hoping that time will be fair to me. That somehow the one person that I swear understands how I feel, will be enough to compensate for it - simply by understanding. But sometimes, two people with the same disease does not mean there is a cure.

So, I will swallow my pride and suck it up because you have been nothing less than worth it. But should it eat me down to the person I no longer am today, don't ask me how and don't ask me why.

Back to Basics.

I recently ran into an old post of mine and it brought me back to myself. A person can forget how strong they are, how far they've come, and how much they've accomplished. My point today? If I had risen above once before, there's nothing that's stopping me from doing so again. Strive to love, love to live, and live to let love in. Switchboard - let's bring this girl back to life.

(3 years back...)
Love is amazing. Falling in love can be amazing too, even when we fall too fast and too hard for our patience to catch up. What's truly phenomenal though, are the days gone by when romance was just a novel, a fantasy just beyond our reach.

Behind the attic wall, lies a secret - a universal secret that we all hold a key to our own. A key made entirely out of hopes and endless dreams. A secret we all share but never speak of because if we do, our dreams may never come true. As if dreams come true by tucking it away with our inner child anyway. The secret? To love and be loved.

When 'things' become too complicated and too difficult to handle, we often retreat and wish for simpler times. But when was there a time when 'things' weren't difficult, without having to look back? So we stand still in savasana, fighting the itch to turn our backs and plunge into denial, let the difficulty wash over us and drink in the benefits of yet another life altering piece of the freaking puzzle.

My point? I have no point. My inner child likes to ramble along to black coffee with 2 packets of splenda, no more. She's a badass that kid.

For mine, for he asked me to be His.

Listen. I met someone. He makes me want to run from this life right into the next. He makes me laugh. He makes me want to write endlessly about this invisible connection, this universal understanding. He makes me want to read. If I read enough, maybe I can read his mind. He makes me forget all that hurts because he hurts so much more - chasing the path of bliss in its full circle. He speaks to me in every song, as if he had personally hand picked each one for my ears only. He comes to me at night and traces over my skin in a way that shadows my own, because he knows me well. But he never stays, always gone before first light. And that first waking breath will always, always smell of him. As if he never left. As if being half way around the world can't stop me from missing him.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Wrong Answer.

I eye the door, anticipate the walk, release my last breath of courage before I turn the knob. I look into his face, searching, pleading that he might understand what I'm asking of him. But he has it so well guarded that the only way in was out that door. I hesitate, not wanting to walk away. For I know the second I walk out that door, I will never look back. I'll always wonder about that last facial expression...but wonder is all it will ever be. He won't ask me to stay, but he won't let go of my hand. I ask him one last question. He gives me one last answer and I could feel the scar run through my veins; the same veins that once loved him as much as the love it carried. Wrong answer, says my heart.

Lovesick.

Sick with a love that is as uncertain as the future and the sea of time that sits between us. For a boy who will come home when he is ready to a girl with who will chase the edges of the world to show him that she always has been.

If the world fell apart into a trillion little pieces today
I'd tell you that I'm glad things are finally falling into place.
That this conscious awareness of patience
Has been, all along, patiently waiting
To catch up to us from our past lives.
When we can wake up to each other one day
And see the new in all that has gone dull.